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Holding On to the Air: An Autobiography
by Suzanne Farrell with Toni Bentley
This memoir, first published in 1990 and reissued with a new preface by the author, recounts Farrell's transformation from a young girl in Ohio dreaming of greatness to the realization of that dream on stages all over the world. Farrell recalls professional and personal attachments and their attendant controversies with a down-to-earth frankness and common sense that complements the glories and mysteries of her artistic achievement.
Read two complete site excerpts, plus two extended Adobe Acrobat format excerpts:

Table of Contents and Preface (PDF) | Table of Contents and Preface (HTML) | Purchase Now

Table of Contents

Preface to the 2002 edition

Avant Scène

Part I

Chapter 1                        Cincinnati

Chapter 2                        Audition

Chapter 3                         Initiation

Chapter 4                         Movements

Chapter 5                        Crash Course

Part II

Chapter 6                        The Don and Dulcinea

Chapter 7                        European Dining

Chapter 8                        Pearls

Chapter 9                        Diamonds

Chapter 10                        Traveling Steps

Part III

Chapter 11                        Collision Course

Chapter 12                        Exile

Chapter 13                        Through the Looking Glass

Part IV

Chapter 14                        Back to the Future

Chapter 15                        Just Dancing

Chapter 16                        A Public Prayer

Chapter 17                        A Private Prayer

Chapter 18                        Rejoicing

Chapter 19                        Beginning

Entr‘acte

Notes

Index

Preface to the 2002 Edition

“Belief: Conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of
some being or phenomenon esp. when based on examination of evidence.”

—Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary

George Balanchine was the most influential person in my life—and I believed in him. Ideally, my performing career would have ended before his death. My reason for writing this autobiography was that I hoped it would help me to survive his death and the unspeakable loss of my soulmate. Working on the book and revisiting my life kept me busy and grounded for a year after my retirement.

    Of the enormous legacy Balanchine has left to thousands, the most crucial for me was his philosophy of “Now . . . Don’t save!” Though I always danced this philosophy, it became the single most important factor in helping me live not only in his absence but also with my retirement. “Now” it seemed obvious that the next step would be to impart all those lessons, stories, ballets, teachings, and osmotic understandings that were shared by George and me to the dancers of the New York City Ballet. It was not to be.

    In July 1993, I was fired by Peter Martins, co–ballet master of the company. He spoke through the company manager, who called me and said that Peter questioned my ability to teach and therefore could not justify my salary. I was devastated and desolate. Now what? My home, family, company, and employment had been abruptly taken away.

    However, Balanchine could never be taken away from me. He had called me his muse. If I could inspire him in his lifetime, I believed he would conspire with me in his afterlife. Still—how, when, and where that would happen were unknown. Balanchine often said to us in class, “You will all open ballet schools one day and teach!” We all giggled because when you are a dancer those thoughts are so far from your mind.

    Serendipitously, in 1993 James D. Wolfensohn, chairman of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, invited me to conduct a series of master classes for students of my choosing from the Washington, D.C., and surrounding Maryland and Virginia areas. The initiative was sponsored by Wolfensohn, and the students’ only responsibility was to attend all eight classes. This modest project proved so successful that in 1995 the Kennedy Center enlarged the program to the national level. The intensive three-week program, “Exploring Ballet with Suzanne Farrell,” takes place every summer.

    Largely through the efforts of Barbara Horgan, Balanchine’s personal assistant, the Balanchine Trust had been founded in 1987. This independent organization was created by his heirs to oversee the worldwide licensing and production of his ballets. I became one of the Trust’s répétiteurs, and by 1995 had staged sixteen of his ballets throughout the world. This work culminated in an invitation to stage a week-long season of Balanchine for the Kennedy Center’s twenty-fifth anniversary in October 1995.

    I engaged soloists from the American and international companies I’d worked with before, as well as local dancers. The resulting ensemble had the appearance of a refreshing new company, and the press deemed it a triumph. I relished the work-all-day/little-sleep-nights, reminiscent of my performing days with Mr. B.

    Ever since the first publication of Holding On to the Air, Hollywood has expressed interest in my book. Certainly my life had celebrations and catastrophes big enough for the big screen, but I was not about to consign it to a movie makeover. I did, however, work with the independent filmmakers Anne Belle and Deborah Dickson on a documentary, Suzanne Farrell—Elusive Muse, which was nominated for an Academy Award in 1997.

    When my husband and I divorced in 1998, it was again work that would balance my life. I got as far away as possible and worked in Moscow with the Bolshoi Ballet. During 1998 and 1999, I staged Mozartiana, the last ballet Balanchine choreographed, and Agon, the 1957 masterpiece of collaboration between Stravinsky and Mr. B. For some reason, it was important to me that the dancers from George’s birthplace have the good fortune to dance his ballets and to realize his genius before the end of his century.

    Although I had not consciously calculated a strategy for having my own company, it seemed as though I might be destined for one. Certainly, Balanchine had shown me how a company should be run, artistically and successfully. I had sat for many hours in the dark auditorium of the New York State Theater listening to conversations Mr. B was having with the costume designer, with the lighting designer about trying new effects, and with management about programming and touring schedules. Listening and learning and remembering.

    All this came into play when the Suzanne Farrell Ballet became a full-fledged company in association with the Kennedy Center in the fall of 2000. Our first two seasons included appearances in Washington, D.C., New York City, and regional tours, with a repertory of ballets by Balanchine, Maurice Béjart, and Jerome Robbins.

    During my performing life I was a person who spoke the language of music and dance—and few words. But the farther away I’ve come from my dancing days, the more I have had to use words in order to make myself understood as a teacher. Not merely to explain ballet steps, but to make those steps come alive visually and musically. A musical picture. It’s as if you had loose bits of colored glass, two mirrors, and a cylinder. When these components are placed together correctly, a kaleidoscope will be formed and the movements of the bits of glass will reflect a variety of patterns and dynamics. So too with a ballet. Except with a ballet, in addition to the physical components you must reflect the heart and soul of the choreographer.

    In August of 2000 I joined the dance faculty of Florida State University in Tallahassee as a Francis Eppes Professor. Every time I teach—whether students or my company—I inwardly giggle as I hear George’s voice long ago: “You will all teach one day!”

    A dancer’s life onstage is short. Teaching extends my dance life. I am the beneficiary of every dancer who came before me and I am grateful. I am happy being a conduit to, through, and beyond each dancer I work with. I have learned so much and have exciting ideas for the future. And, perhaps, that will be another book.

Suzanne Farrell

© 2002 University Press of Florida. All Rights Reserved.
< Back to the Reading Room

Reading Room: Sample
Holding On to the Air: An Autobiography by Suzanne Farrell with Toni Bentley This memoir, first published in 1990 and reissued with a new preface by the author, recounts Farrell's transformation from a young girl in Ohio dreaming of greatness to the realization of that dream on stages all over the world. Farrell recalls professional and personal attachments and their attendant controversies with a down-to-earth frankness and common sense that complements the glories and mysteries of her artistic achievement. Read two complete site excerpts, plus two extended Adobe Acrobat format excerpts:
Table of Contents and Preface (PDF) \| Table of Contents and Preface (HTML) \| Purchase Now
Table of Contents Preface to the 2002 edition Avant Scène Part I Chapter 1 Cincinnati Chapter 2 Audition Chapter 3 Initiation Chapter 4 Movements Chapter 5 Crash Course Part II Chapter 6 The Don and Dulcinea Chapter 7 European Dining Chapter 8 Pearls Chapter 9 Diamonds Chapter 10 Traveling Steps Part III Chapter 11 Collision Course Chapter 12 Exile Chapter 13 Through the Looking Glass Part IV Chapter 14 Back to the Future Chapter 15 Just Dancing Chapter 16 A Public Prayer Chapter 17 A Private Prayer Chapter 18 Rejoicing Chapter 19 Beginning Entr‘acte Notes Index Preface to the 2002 Edition “Belief: Conviction of the truth of some statement or the reality of some being or phenomenon esp. when based on examination of evidence.” —Merriam Webster’s Collegiate Dictionary George Balanchine was the most influential person in my life—and I believed in him. Ideally, my performing career would have ended before his death. My reason for writing this autobiography was that I hoped it would help me to survive his death and the unspeakable loss of my soulmate. Working on the book and revisiting my life kept me busy and grounded for a year after my retirement. Of the enormous legacy Balanchine has left to thousands, the most crucial for me was his philosophy of “Now . . . Don’t save!” Though I always danced this philosophy, it became the single most important factor in helping me live not only in his absence but also with my retirement. “Now” it seemed obvious that the next step would be to impart all those lessons, stories, ballets, teachings, and osmotic understandings that were shared by George and me to the dancers of the New York City Ballet. It was not to be. In July 1993, I was fired by Peter Martins, co–ballet master of the company. He spoke through the company manager, who called me and said that Peter questioned my ability to teach and therefore could not justify my salary. I was devastated and desolate. Now what? My home, family, company, and employment had been abruptly taken away. However, Balanchine could never be taken away from me. He had called me his muse. If I could inspire him in his lifetime, I believed he would conspire with me in his afterlife. Still—how, when, and where that would happen were unknown. Balanchine often said to us in class, “You will all open ballet schools one day and teach!” We all giggled because when you are a dancer those thoughts are so far from your mind. Serendipitously, in 1993 James D. Wolfensohn, chairman of the John F. Kennedy Center for the Performing Arts, invited me to conduct a series of master classes for students of my choosing from the Washington, D.C., and surrounding Maryland and Virginia areas. The initiative was sponsored by Wolfensohn, and the students’ only responsibility was to attend all eight classes. This modest project proved so successful that in 1995 the Kennedy Center enlarged the program to the national level. The intensive three-week program, “Exploring Ballet with Suzanne Farrell,” takes place every summer. Largely through the efforts of Barbara Horgan, Balanchine’s personal assistant, the Balanchine Trust had been founded in 1987. This independent organization was created by his heirs to oversee the worldwide licensing and production of his ballets. I became one of the Trust’s répétiteurs, and by 1995 had staged sixteen of his ballets throughout the world. This work culminated in an invitation to stage a week-long season of Balanchine for the Kennedy Center’s twenty-fifth anniversary in October 1995. I engaged soloists from the American and international companies I’d worked with before, as well as local dancers. The resulting ensemble had the appearance of a refreshing new company, and the press deemed it a triumph. I relished the work-all-day/little-sleep-nights, reminiscent of my performing days with Mr. B. Ever since the first publication of Holding On to the Air, Hollywood has expressed interest in my book. Certainly my life had celebrations and catastrophes big enough for the big screen, but I was not about to consign it to a movie makeover. I did, however, work with the independent filmmakers Anne Belle and Deborah Dickson on a documentary, Suzanne Farrell—Elusive Muse, which was nominated for an Academy Award in 1997. When my husband and I divorced in 1998, it was again work that would balance my life. I got as far away as possible and worked in Moscow with the Bolshoi Ballet. During 1998 and 1999, I staged Mozartiana, the last ballet Balanchine choreographed, and Agon, the 1957 masterpiece of collaboration between Stravinsky and Mr. B. For some reason, it was important to me that the dancers from George’s birthplace have the good fortune to dance his ballets and to realize his genius before the end of his century. Although I had not consciously calculated a strategy for having my own company, it seemed as though I might be destined for one. Certainly, Balanchine had shown me how a company should be run, artistically and successfully. I had sat for many hours in the dark auditorium of the New York State Theater listening to conversations Mr. B was having with the costume designer, with the lighting designer about trying new effects, and with management about programming and touring schedules. Listening and learning and remembering. All this came into play when the Suzanne Farrell Ballet became a full-fledged company in association with the Kennedy Center in the fall of 2000. Our first two seasons included appearances in Washington, D.C., New York City, and regional tours, with a repertory of ballets by Balanchine, Maurice Béjart, and Jerome Robbins. During my performing life I was a person who spoke the language of music and dance—and few words. But the farther away I’ve come from my dancing days, the more I have had to use words in order to make myself understood as a teacher. Not merely to explain ballet steps, but to make those steps come alive visually and musically. A musical picture. It’s as if you had loose bits of colored glass, two mirrors, and a cylinder. When these components are placed together correctly, a kaleidoscope will be formed and the movements of the bits of glass will reflect a variety of patterns and dynamics. So too with a ballet. Except with a ballet, in addition to the physical components you must reflect the heart and soul of the choreographer. In August of 2000 I joined the dance faculty of Florida State University in Tallahassee as a Francis Eppes Professor. Every time I teach—whether students or my company—I inwardly giggle as I hear George’s voice long ago: “You will all teach one day!” A dancer’s life onstage is short. Teaching extends my dance life. I am the beneficiary of every dancer who came before me and I am grateful. I am happy being a conduit to, through, and beyond each dancer I work with. I have learned so much and have exciting ideas for the future. And, perhaps, that will be another book. Suzanne Farrell © 2002 University Press of Florida. All Rights Reserved. < Back to the Reading Room